Monday, January 12, 2009

Pathetic=Me

I can't say that I really had a true New Year's Resolution this year. I had a lot of thoughts, but never settled on one thing.

Every year I vow this is the year that I will adopt healthy eating habits. I do well for a while and then I swan dive gracefully and purposefully off the wagon of healthy eating habits.

In many respects this year has been no different. New Year's Day rolled around and I ate a healthy breakfast...and then scarfed several pieces of left over fudge from the previous evenings' festivities.

The beginning of the week rolled around a few days later and I got serious. Because I have to. I have been on approximately 5 month binge of eating crap, not exercising, going to bed ridiculously late and a toll has been taken. I am grumpy, outgrowing my pants, tired, and generally unfit.

So I signed up for a 7-day free trial of Weight Watchers. After three days the points counting once again is making me a lunatic. I don't have time to enter points throughout the day. I foolishly thinking I am doing really well until I count up my points at the end of the day, am over and still hungry. I soldier on. However by Friday I am done. I just can't make myself pay to do what I already know I need to do and am doing for the most part. Eat lots of fruits and vegetables. Eat appropriate portions. Drink water. Exercise. I decide my money is better spent joining the Y. At least there I get a pool.

I have continued to monitor what I am eating. Appropriate portions! Fruit! Vegetables! Water! Exercise!

Now you have the back story to what I am about to confess.

Today I had a client successfully complete therapy. When this happens I plan a celebration, and I let the child pick a special treat to eat during the last session. Today the choice was Hostess Cupcakes. I ate one with the child. Not a big deal.

There are enough left over for both kids and BH to have one. So I bring them home. #2 nibbles on hers and declares that she doesn't like it because it has whipped cream in the middle. She deposits the cupcake on my plate.

I stare at it for several minutes as I eat my carrots. Then I begin to pick a the frosting. I mention to BH who is sitting across from me that I am trying not to eat it because I already had one today, and eating another really blows my portion control efforts. He suggests putting ketchup on it so I will leave it alone. I laugh at him. And of course continue to pick at the frosting. I eat all the frosting. I pick up the ketchup bottle and douse the motherfucker. I turn it upside down to smush the ketchup. I pause. I look. I pick up the bottle again as BH starts to laugh. Laugh because he knows my thought process and subsequent action....I have to drown the other side before I eat down to where there is ketchup.

Yes folks. I am that sad, and that weak when faced with a mere cupcake.

Don't judge me.

7 comments:

Ali said...

Okay, how happy am I to hear someone else put that battle into words? And admit that they'd eat the non-ketchup side? Genius, Miss.

Colleen said...

Missy, reading this post made my day. Not b/c you had a rotten time with the cupcake, but that I'm not the only one trying to get motivated to claw back from yet another weight gain. My kids will eat a bite or two of a candy bar and leave the rest because they're done. I would never do that. I need to learn to do that.

I'm very careful not to make them clean their plates or make junk food seem like an incredible treat, because I wonder if that's where I get some of this. When we were kids we hardly EVER got pop b/c it was expensive, and now that I can have one whenever I want, it still feels like a forbidden (therefore wonderful) treat.

And then I rationalize that I don't smoke or gamble or do pot so how is it so bad that I like food a little too much? Heck, 60% of Americans are overweight right along with me so I'm in the majority!

Except I can't zip my jeans, and I hate buying clothes or trying to dress up for something and facing a closetful of nice, but too small, clothes. And my knees hurt. And I know I need to get off my butt and go running (or at least walking) and knock off the fast food and junk food.

Anyway, love your blog. Please keep writing.

Ali said...

Sometimes when I find myself full but still wanting to eat, mostly because it's there and I hate waste, I remind myself that I AM NOT A GARBAGE CAN. It actually works. Most of the time.

Shari Schmidt said...

You're human like the rest of us. I try not to beat myself up, but it happens far too often. Welcome to the club that none of us want to be part of.

Missy said...

I think what irritates me the most is how irrational my emotions get over this issue. Mostly I get angry and that is completely ridiculous I know. I truly get pissed off that I can not eat crap or as I like to put it "anything I want" without having negative consequences. But there it is. My goal this time is to push through the angry phase and see what comes out on the other side. Typically I reach the angry phase say "fuck it" and give up complete with a LOVELY list of "good excuses."

Michelle said...

You're not weak - I think it's brilliant! Maybe I should start carrying around a bottle of ketchup in my purse. This could be the start of something...

screamish said...

this is so great. Such a lack of self control that you need ketchup! It reminds me of the time I got so addicted to internet chat with complete strangers (1996, I was single and sooo bored) that i had to cut the modem cable with a pair of scissors to stop myself....