Neverending Quest

I often feel that I am on a neverending quest.

What is it I am searching for?

I search for what all families with children and two full time working parents seek.

More time.

I have felt for several months now that my weekends are anything but restful, fun, or restorative. In fact I feel like the weekends are when I go into overtime to my second job, that being a domestic engineer, keeper of the house, do-er of the laundry, chore monger, whatever you want to call it.

With the change in expectation at my job, I really need some restorative time, and it just ain't been happening.

I have been pondering how to help my weekends be a bit more restful and fun for several weeks now.

This is not an easy problem to solve. See I can not simply give up the tasks and chores that have been taking up the weekends. There is no choice but to reassign some things to another day or evening to be more precise.

That is not excatly something that fills my heart with happiness.

Seeing as how by the time I get home, we have dinner and take care of the regular evening stuff I do not have much left over for anything else.

BUT... I have decided to suck it up and try to be more productive in the after work hours during the week.

This week I moved doing the laundry up a few days in an effort to get it done before Saturday.

This week I was successful and man it has been GREAT. Today I was able to go places and do things without fretting or feeling guilty that the laundry sits waiting for me.

Now this week I did not have the full loads I would typically have seeing as how a full week had not passed since I completed the laundy. So it was really quite easy.

This coming week may be another story.

I have to say while I have enjoyed my laundry free weekend, I have felt a bit off kilter, always feeling like there is something I should be doing.

Do I did.

Went swimming guilt free.

It was ass-puckering cold in that pool.

But I did not care.

Neither did the kids. At what age do you develop the ability to tell whether it is cold or hot? I do not recall this from child development class.

So my first attempts at creating a restorative weekend were a success.

How do you other working parents create restorative time?

Or am I just fooling myself that this is do-able?

(If I am fooling myself please lie to me because I am not ready to accept the alternative at this point.)

I know you have been sitting on the edge of your seats

Remember about a month ago when I was rambling on about my visit to the doctor and the discovery of my high cholesterol levels and need to drop some poundage?

Well it has been a little over a month now and I just KNEW that you have been thinking, "Gee I wonder how Missy is doing on her Journey to Better Health?"

Your wish is my command.

One month and a few days in to THE JOURNEY and I am o-ficially down 9 pounds.

Not too shabby.

I have been exercising pretty religiously. I think I skipped three days out of the last month plus. Once because of cat trauma, and two days for illness. I have been trying to exercise for half an hour every day. That is 7 days a week people.

As far as diet goes, I am really not doing anything fancy. I found a free online calorie counter, put in my goal weight and the date I would like to reach it, the computer calculated how many calories I need to consume to reach that goal. I enter the food I eat and try to keep it at or below that number every day. It has been eye opening to see how many calories are in something like a breadstick. It has helped me get my portions more realistic and I certainly see now how my ignorance about how many calories foods contain helped get me in this mess.

Overall it has not been too bad or crazy making. I am not depriving myself. I have had pizza, and an occasional cheeseburger and fries. Now I eat less of those when I have them, and try to keep a low calorie morning and afternoon if I know I am going to indulge in that manner. I am also putting a big emphasis on eating the recommended daily fruits and veggies.

Now I have to remember to keep an eye on the cholesterol thing. In reviewing my progress, I have discovered that I have lost some sight of the need to control my cholesterol, and focused more on the calorie reduction and weight loss. Need to make sure that even though I can eat pizza and cheeseburgers occasionally and still drop pounds, they are not good choices to reduce the cholesterol and need to be very occasional foods.

I don't feel that I am obsessing as much now, and that is helpful. I tend to overestimate how much I have consumed at times and leave myself hungry at a meal in my effort to be disciplined, but do also enjoy that I can have an extra snack when that happens. It's like a little present.

The only thing I am really struggling with is when we go out to eat. I have done well choosing healthy options, but I find myself getting irritable and sometimes even angry when I watch others at the table consuming how ever much they want of whatever they want (read what I want!) Now I am not saying that I have had thoughts of stabbing someone with a fork as I watch them gobble up a plate of fries while I slowly chew my lettuce, but it might have crossed my mind.

So that is my progress for now. I know that takes a huge load off of the 4 of you who read this. You can carry on now.

What?? It only took me 11 years!!

As of September of this year it will be 11 years since I completed my Masters Degree.

This week I FINALLY completed the requirements necessary to get my clinical license.

I have had a regular old license as a professional counselor, the CLINICAL license means I jumped through hoops for almost three years and passed another test. It also means I can practice independently.

So why has it taken me soooooo looonnng?

Weelll..

I got my degree in California, and Kansas licensing requirements are different and I had to take 2 more classes. That took a while because I was busy having babies and trying to work.

My first clinical supervisor died and I did not have verification of hours/supervision/etc.

I took a hiatus from clinical work to be a state employee/office monkey. (That was a really bad decision by the way.)

After my hiatus I worked at a job for 8 months that kept promising, but never followed through with clinical supervision.

It took me a several months in to my current job to get my shit together and start the process all over again.

At any rate it is done now. The application is turned in. I paid an outrageous application fee, that will soon be followed by paying MORE outrageous fees for the exam and then the actual license.

Whew. I will be glad to have the rest of this process signed, sealed, and delivered.

Then I have to figure out what my next educational/career goal will be. I feel naked without one.

How Do You Make This Decision?

My 14 year old cat is not well.

Her kidneys have been failing, she has had seizures, and may or may not have had a stroke or is drunk on ammonia in her system from the failure to produce urine.

For almost a week we have been giving her subcutaneous fluids, watching, waiting, and worrying.

Yesterday we took her to the vet who told us that her level of functioning right now is about the best we are going to get. He told us that if we are ok with how she is right now we can keep on as we are. He said if we are at anytime ready to let her go that is fine too.

I was really hoping for a more definitive answer because, of course, I do not want to be the one who makes the call to end her life. Neither does BH. This is not exactly something we can decide using the old, "nose goes" or rock, paper, scissors.

She has seemed to improve slightly, and that has caused us to question what we should do. We do not however know if she can sustain these improvements without a lot of extraordinary measures on our part.

There is no question that her quality of life is not what it once was. However there is a question as to whether or not it is diminished to the point that we need to let her go.

Of course complicating the matter is our own desire to keep her around. At this point I really can not say how much of this waffling is my own stuff, desires, and dread of making such a tough call.

I do know this much...

I am tired of trying to figure it all out. Tired of crying over it. Tired of worrying about it.

Just tired. And sad.

So very very sad.

Blerg and a Twist I did not want.

I had hoped to have time to do a better post, but nearly all of the 8 million children scheduled to see me for therapy came to their appointments this week, we are very fearful that our senior citizen kitty is dying, AND we are completing #2's somewhat extreme room makeover this weekend. So between painting, making one thousand trips to the vet, giving the cat subcutaneous fluids at home in between vet visits, and generally being exhausted from everyday business has left me little time, desire, or energy to blog.

Hopefully next week will be better. A little less busy at work, good news from the vet about my sweet old lady cat, and the makeover will be complete.

Maybe then I can do a fun photo filled post of the big orange makeover.

Yup...that's right. We are painting #2's room o-r-a-n-g-e.

SHE could not be more excited.

I am reserving comment and opinion until it is a done deal.

I AM however admitting to my twitchiness about this color scheme.

Does not like to travel solo

I pretty much NEVER go out of town without at least one family member along for the ride.

This week I had to attend a conference out of town and thus spent one night away from home all by my lonesome.

Lonesome indeed.

I know many mothers and fathers relish the thought of a whole night away in a hotel room all by themselves, but I sure ain't one of them.

I spent my solo evening pining.

I missed my babies and my honey.

Apparently the feelings were mutual. #2 in particular many times in the hours since my return talked about how glad she was that I was home, how much she loves me, and mentioned countless times how much she was looking forward to having "all of her tuckings in to bed" tonight. #1 gave me more hugs in one evening than I usually get over the course of a week it seemed.

Perhaps I should spend a night away more often.

Nahh....it's not worth it.

I am beginning to worry about my ability to leave the girls for an entire week this July.......