My 14 year old cat is not well.
Her kidneys have been failing, she has had seizures, and may or may not have had a stroke or is drunk on ammonia in her system from the failure to produce urine.
For almost a week we have been giving her subcutaneous fluids, watching, waiting, and worrying.
Yesterday we took her to the vet who told us that her level of functioning right now is about the best we are going to get. He told us that if we are ok with how she is right now we can keep on as we are. He said if we are at anytime ready to let her go that is fine too.
I was really hoping for a more definitive answer because, of course, I do not want to be the one who makes the call to end her life. Neither does BH. This is not exactly something we can decide using the old, "nose goes" or rock, paper, scissors.
She has seemed to improve slightly, and that has caused us to question what we should do. We do not however know if she can sustain these improvements without a lot of extraordinary measures on our part.
There is no question that her quality of life is not what it once was. However there is a question as to whether or not it is diminished to the point that we need to let her go.
Of course complicating the matter is our own desire to keep her around. At this point I really can not say how much of this waffling is my own stuff, desires, and dread of making such a tough call.
I do know this much...
I am tired of trying to figure it all out. Tired of crying over it. Tired of worrying about it.
Just tired. And sad.
So very very sad.