Etiquette lesson for those who attend concerts.

WARNING: Grumpy content to follow.

Dear People Who Attend Concerts,

I know that you have likely imbibed a fair amount of alcohol, and or other substances prior to the main performer taking the stage. I have no issue with that. Everyone goes to a concert to SEE the performer and have a good time.

Let's talk a bit about that, "seeing the performer thing."

Chances are when you go to a concert, someone is standing behind you. Yes. Really. Even though you can't see them they are there let me assure you.

I am going to let you in on something. They are not amused by your dumb ass attempts at becoming the next Martin Scorcese with your cell phone, or point and shoot camera. Guess what that video you are working so hard to get? Is going to be SHITTY. Poor picture quality AND awful sound. Just be content with the memories in your mind like we did in the old days. If you want to take a few crappy quality pictures...go right ahead. I am compelled to do the same. But after a couple of shots, put away the damn camera and watch the concert you paid good money to see.

All of the above goes triple for people standing behind me. I do not enjoy you getting in my bubble and holding your shitty camera phone over my head to GET THE SHITTY VIDEO YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SEE OR HEAR FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

Now let's talk about dancing. I expect and have been known to engage in dancing at concerts. Perfectly acceptable. However.....

When the show is standing room only and sold out, please keep your dancing down to moves that do not take you out of your little square of space. It's a concert not SYTYCD or a Tae Bo class. Bust those moves at home while listening to your ipod. This goes triple if it is an outdoor concert in the middle of July in Kansas when the heat index reaches a record 118 degrees.

Singing. Listen...I get that you are a big fan, have all the albums on your ipod, and know the lyrics better than the performer. I did not pay $50 or more to hear you sing off key in my ear. I have been to a lot of concerts. Eventually the performer will invite you to sing along. Please keep your singing limited to that time. Save the rest for your shower or the car ride home.

General Admission rules: I got my ass to the venue early, and stood around in the 118 degree heat prior to the opening act hitting the stage so that I could have a good spot as close to the stage as possible. If you come in drunk halfway through the set and try to get in front of me you can bet your intoxicated ass that I am going to protect my territory and I am NOT going to be nice about it. Put down the bottle, bong, or all of the above, get YOUR ass to the show early and get your own damn sweet spot near the stage. I have a big purse, a loud bitchy mouth, and I am not afraid to use both in such a situation.

That is all.

Thank you and let me enjoy the show.