Friday, May 09, 2008

Let's hear it for Downward Dog

So I did it.

Followed through.

Started that Yoga class that I have been talking about doing for quite a while now.

I came thisclose to not following through. I am pretty famous for that these days. I had all kinds of excuses about why I couldn't shouldn't go:

  • No yoga mat
  • I wouldn't be home until 7
  • I'm too tired
  • It cost money
  • blah blah
  • whine whine

My downfall came when I mentioned to my BH that I had pretty much decided against it. Now BH is not one to be forceful, or tell me what to do but this time he decided he was going to put his foot down so to speak. Basically he told me I was full of crap, had pathetic excuses, and needed to just take the damn class already. (He said it in a kind and loving way, but I got the subtext.) He then proceeded to march my hiney to Target knowing full well that I am powerless against the siren's call of my beloved red bullseye mecca, and suggested again in a kind and loving way that I not return to the car until I had purchased a yoga mat. So I did.

Then the next day I went to class and guess what????

The world didn't end, my family did not feel neglected nor did they hate me, AND I felt more relaxed than I have in months.

I have to battle tremendous guilt when it comes to doing things that are strictly for my own enjoyment and benefit. Seriously. It is bad. This yoga class? One hour a week, AT MY PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT right after my last appointment on Thursdays, and I had 10 excuses why this was a bad idea. All because of the guilt. It is nothing short of amazing that I have actually been in community theater productions at all. When I do finally audition, I almost immediately start hoping that I won't be cast because I hate dealing with the guilt. For that kind of commitment it is almost crippling. It takes me weeks to stop thinking that I need to quit the show. Since I work all day and have only a precious few waking hours with my children in the evenings I feel that they should have me all of the time that I am not at work. Not exactly reasonable or healthy. Unfortunately this apparently is how I operate. There are reasons behind this and I am very aware of them. Doesn't seem to stop me from experiencing ridiculous amounts of guilt however.

So if I actually manage to follow through with that cake decorating class......I might be on the road to recovery.

1 comment:

Not your mommy said...

I have the same problem. I can't even take a nap some days because I feel so guilty about not being there for the kids. Where did that come from? Did we learn it from our moms, or is it some strange biological phenonime that happens with childbirth. I see children in before and aftercae some get here as early as 6 AM and stay as late as 6 PM. I often wonder how those moms can do it. I would be sick to my stomach everyday at the thought of being away from my babies so long. Mind you, I don't think they are bad parents because they have their children in aftercare, I know we all have to do what we have to do, I just wonder how they can do it and still function. Enjoy that yoga class, remember that even if you are doing it for you, they reap the benifits.