Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I turned 39 today. At least I can type it without choking...

This is it.

The final year of my 30's starts today.


I can not quite wrap my head around the idea.

40 seems so...adult.

I don't always feel so adult in my mind for some reason. I still have so many things of which I am unsure. I always feel like I should be more certain about things than I am. More confident. More assertive. Like those fabulous and 40 women you see in magazines.

Magazines present false realities. That much I do know.

I just wish I didn't want them to be true sometimes.

So what to do with this final year of my 30's?

I don't have a fucking clue.

Well I have one clue.

I absolutely positively must find again the healthy habits I committed to two years ago after my come to Jesus physical.

Those habits have been on a downward slide for a year now and I have officially smacked the bottom.

It hurts.

Of the 32 pounds I lost, I have gained back 12. I gained back 12 because I have not been careful with my food intake, and I have not been exercising consistently.

My mood and anxiety management are near the toilet. I believe this is large part due to the lack of exercise mentioned above and in some part due to the regression in healthy eating habits.

I am fully aware and have been all along that I was backsliding. For me it becomes a viscious circle. I fail to exercise and eat healthy. I beat myself up about it. Which sours my mood. Which weakens my desire. Lather, rinse, repeat ad nauseum.

I know what I need to do to drop those 12 pounds. I am not sure why it has been so hard to make myself do those things. Other than I just don't wanna. I don't want to admit that I have to do this for the rest of my life.

It just seems so.......long.


Then again feeling anxious, grouchy, and disappointed in myself does not feel so great either.

It is daunting to think that I may be shortening my life because I don't wanna.

Just seeing it in writing is sad and pathetic.

So I have to suck it up.

Exercise must happen at least 30 minutes every day.

I must track what I eat, and make healthy choices most days.

I have to let go of my all or nothing way of thinking.

I have to stop beating myself up about failures big, small, or otherwise.

I must be healthier at 40 than I am at 39.


I have been giving a lot of thought about this blog and what I want to do with it.

So for now it is going to become about my renewed Journey to Better Health.

I may throw some of the usual stuff in from time to time, but for now I need a place to keep myself honest, and really a place to put all this crap and this seems to be the best place right now.

So for the two of you who still read this thing, consider this to be your notice!

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