Do-over Please

Ayup.

I have decided I would like a winter break do-over.

Since December 26 each person in this family has come down with a vile stomach virus.

The last victim fell today.

Y'know, for other reasons that I have not shared here, I think in general I would like a "Majority of the month of December" do-over.

Or better yet, how 'bout we just kick this month to the curb and tell the suckitude parts of it to kiss my ass?

I can live with that.

Onto a better January!

That's One Way to do it!

Hey! You want to know a good way to un-do all the damage your holiday overindulgence caused?

Get the stomach flu the day after Christmas! You'll be back down to that pre-holiday weight in no time.

Of course you will spend a day begging someone to kill you and put you out of your misery, but hey that number on the scale makes it all worth it right?

Nothing like spending your day off hanging over the toilet! Those after Christmas sales are overrated anyway!

Now that I have imparted this special piece of advice, I have to get back to my Gatorade. Yum! Electrolytes!

How YOU doin' sexy frosted sugar cookie

I am afraid to go in to the kitchen.

There are frosted sugar cookies in there and I can hear them trying to lure me downstairs with their pretty little siren songs.

They want me to come on down there and get all in to their sexy frosted goodness.

Bitches.

Not Fair

Who had the dumbass idea to start a diet that has it's second week during the Christmas season?

The forces against me this week are many.

On top of all the delicious foods that will be available to me this week, I have other challenges of nature that are telling me that I NEED things like chocolate and all foods that are junky.

Those challenges of nature also tell me that I feel to crappy to exercise today.

Tonight I had to make a favorite yummy chocolatey and peanut buttery treat to take to #2's school party tomorrow.

I have not stopped thinking about it all evening.

I wish I were not being completely serious.

So even though my point total was met for the day.

Even though I knew I wasn't going to exercise today.

Even though I wanted to save all my bonus points for Saturday party food.

I caved.

And it was fucking delicious.

2006!

That would be the oldest expiration date I found on something as I cleaned out the pantry this evening.

I am banning the purchase of crackers in this family.

Apparently we don't like them if the 3999 boxes of unopened/expired/and or stale ones I threw away are any indication.

Also, I am pledging here on this blog that I will never again purchase powdered sugar without first checking at home to be ABSOLUTELY UNDENIABLY POSITIVE that I have NONE in the house already. I am pretty sure I pitched at least 4 partially used bags of powdered sugar. Sadly this is not exaggeration. I have no explanation at all for how this powdered sugar situation came about. Clearly I have a problem.

Now I have a very clean and organized pantry.

I also have a rather empty looking pantry.

Which is sad after just completing a very expensive trip to the grocery store.

At least I know all the food in there is current.

It's the small things you know.

JBTBH Version...oh who gives a *&%$?

Alrighty.

So I have completed the last day of the first week of my re-started UH-gain journey.

It has been a successful week. WW went well. I had a couple days where I went slightly over points for the day, a couple days I was slightly under. A few right on target. Had a splurge today on a date with my honey, but am ending the week with still over half my weekly points unused, and no cashing in at all of the activity points I earned. I exercised for at least 45 minutes a pop for 6 days this week. My official weigh in is tomorrow, but as of this morning I was down 3 pounds. Let's hope that is what shows up on the scale tomorrow.

I didn't feel deprived, didn't feel too hungry, definitely increased my fruit and veggie intake, and best of all did not ever feel like throwing my computer as I entered my food, nor did I want to stab anyone eating good stuff with my fork.

Next week, I definitely need to have more, and a greater variety of fruits and veggies around the house. Next week is going to be tough with the holiday. There is going to be much more opportunity for eating too much of the wrong stuff. I am just gonna do my best and in all honesty if I can manage to maintain this coming week I will view it as a victory.

So there you have it. One week down and no one got hurt!

The Gospel According to Babble Part Deux

If people followed my rules the world would be spectacular.

In my Utopian Society when one is counting and monitoring every bite of food they eat, EVERYONE in the house must restrict delicious desserts.

Like children who live in the same house and get taken out to dinner by their grandparents and bring home big ass chocolate brownies with hot fudge and cinnamon vanilla ice cream that they didn't have time to eat before they had to leave the restaurant.

FURTHERMORE if one of the above mentioned children takes one bite of delicious big ass chocolatey fudgy brownie and declares that she does't like it because it is "too chocolatey" and wishes to throw said brownie away, the parent of the lunatic child should not be held responsible for her actions.

In my vocabulary there is no such phrase as "Too Chocolatey." That is at the least crazy talk and at the worst blasphemy.

Remember you read the idea here first!

My husband is a brilliant man.

As I was bitching the other day about having to track food AGAIN he came up with an idea so brilliant you could see the gleam for miles.

An iphone/ipad/android app where you snap a picture of what you are eating and it automatically calculates the calories for you.

BRILLIANT.

I then suggested that after the calculation there should be some sort of reinforcement statement that you get, you know like, "Great job! What a healthy choice!" Or alternatively, "Whoa whoa whoa there cowgirl! Put down the feedbag!"

Now how does one develop an app?

The Gospel According to Babble

If one stays within the daily WW points value, and exercises at least 45 minutes each day, then when one steps on the scale there should be a net loss of at least 5 pounds.

Even if you have only done the above activities for 2 days.

Doesn't matter.

This is my Gospel and I'll be irrational if I want to.

Back on the journey blah blah blah

Oh the motherfucking journey back to better health.

The derailments have been many.

So I am back on the rails.

Exercise she has been regular.

Eating has been not so regular. Unless you count regularly eating too much crap that I shouldn't consume. That has been downright set your damn clock by it regular.

So I decided to try Weight Watchers.

Again.

Because I know I have to track my food to lose weight. THAT has been made crystal fucking clear.

I gave up on my old standby Fitday for the time being because every time I log on to that site I want to put my fist through the screen.

And my new Mac is too precious to be treated that way.

So far WW does not bring out the violence in me.

Give it time.

Because the holidays are a SUPER time to decide to eat less. It is totally easy!

I NEVER get grumpy or increase my use of foul language when I am controlling what I eat.

#1's Birth Story

#1 has turned fourteen this past week.

I think I can say she is fourteen without stuttering in disbelief now.

As I was doing my typical try to make a funny status update on Facebook the day before her birthday, a mini thread about her birth story happened and someone asked if I had written it down anywhere. I honestly could not remember if I had ever blogged the full story here or not. A check of the archives would suggest that I have hinted at aspects of the story, but have never blogged it or written it anywhere else.

At the first thought of writing the story I pooh-poohed the idea because I am fairly certain that unless I develop some sort of brain injury/condition there is no way I will ever forget this story.

Then as I am often wont to do I gave it some more thought. One of my comments in my FB discussion was that I didn't know if I could ever tell #1 the full story because I have trouble getting through it without being very emotional. Not that emotional is a bad thing. I should be emotional during the telling of this story. It was a very emotional event. I am talking more along the lines of due to my excessive bawling I may not be able to be understood and it could take 3 days to get the story out.

Writing the story down would solve this issue. #1 knows the basic outline and details of her birth, but I have never sat her down and told her the whole story. She knows the funny stuff that happened right as labor started, and the fact that had to stay in the NICU for a week and why that had to happen.

This blog has also been sort of a journal of our lives for the past 6 years. I have desires to have it made into a book for the family to keep someday. I think it would be nice to have both kids birth stories as part of that book. I have not been the best at documenting their lives, so this would in my mind make up for some of that.

So I have made the decision to blog each girl's birth story. I will start with #1 because...well she was my first.

So here we go. Deep Breath.

Oh yeah, Disclaimer time!

If you have never given birth, or about to give birth to your first child I will caution against reading this story. If you choose not to heed my warning then remember that my circumstances were very unusual, and try not to let it scare the hell out of you.

#1 was due December 16. We had been living in California up until my 7th month of pregnancy, and moved back to Topeka in mid September of her birth year. We lived with BH's parents until jobs and housing could be secured.

It took us longer to do those things than we expected, and we wound up moving over Thanksgiving weekend in 1997. Thanksgiving was very late that year. My BP had been climbing at my most recent pre-natal appointments and I was supposed to sit and watch everyone move my stuff in the house. That was fun and didn't raise my BP at all!

#1 had been in the Breech position for several weeks. We had done everything under the sun to try and get her to turn around, external version (the doctor pushed on me for an hour and that kid would not budge!), lying on an ironing board upside down, and my favorite Moxybustion treatment. In an nutshell moxybustion involved incense and a special point on the outside of my small toe. I know it sounds crazy but there was a lot of research on it's success. #1 would get really active during the treatments, but no flippy flippy. At 38 weeks it was obvious she was in that position until birth. I had been getting my prenatal care at our local Birth and Women's center. The breech position issue put me in a high risk delivery category, and they had to refer me to another doctor and I was no longer going to have the cozy home like birth center birth, but a hospital experience. My disappointment was HUGE.

I had a pre-natal appointment the Monday after Thanksgiving, and again my BP was high. My doctor ordered me to stay home and rest, and skip my evening shift at work. So I spent the rest of the day doing a load or two of baby laundry, sitting, fretting, trying to will a miracle flip from #1 in to a head down position, and forcing myself to keep from unpacking boxes.

BH came home from work, and we ate our first meal cooked in our new home. Frozen pizza. (Don't judge! We was poor back then!) BH then went off to the nursery to put together furniture and get a nest ready for our little bird.

Once he finished he called me in to view the final product. I was so excited! It is really difficult to be hardcore nesting with no nest to feather. I walked around the room oohing and ahhing appropriately. Once I had completed my inspection I patted my HUGE belly and informed #1 that she could come out any time now, because we had her nest all ready for her.

I went back to lie down some more, and after about a half hour of rest I felt a funny little pop, and then a little trickle. I hollered to BH, "Hey are you ready to head to the hospital and have this baby?" He replied with a laugh and told me in no uncertain terms that my joke was not funny. I responded by informing that either my water had broken or I was seriously peeing myself. I stood up at this point and there was no doubting what was going on then. He still didn't believe me, even as I was shouting at him to bring me dry pants.

Eventually I convinced him and then the fun began. What with the move and all there had been no packing of the "Let's go have a baby bag." We had a list and good intent, but no follow through. BH laughed and giggled as he ran around the house searching for the list and the stuff we needed. I stayed in the bathroom, as I only had so many pairs of pants that I could use.

Luckily I was not having any contractions, so that helped. We finally got ourselves together and headed to the Birth and Women's center. My care had not been transferred yet, as I was supposed to have my first appointment with the new doctor the next day. The midwife at the B&W center confirmed that yes my water had broken. Given my circumstances it was decided to go straight to the hospital despite the fact that I was not having contractions yet. So off we went!

We got there, registered, and found out that luck was on our side as the doctor I was planning to see the next day was the OB on call that night. He met with me and did an ultrasound to confirm that the baby was still in the breech position. (I guess sometimes babies will do a last minute flip, no such luck for me.) So the doctor discussed options. Given the type of breech position (she was Frank Breech meaning that she was butt first) natural child birth was an option. The doctor went over the pros and cons with us, and the pros and cons of a c-section. He laid out the risks for both as well. After consideration we decided to move forward with natural childbirth.

I know many who are reading this story for the first time will likely struggle with that decision. I have had many discussions regarding my decision. The fact is at the time it was the right decision for us. Birth comes with risk regardless of the circumstances, and I think being comfortable with how you will give birth is important. Natural childbirth was what made me most comfortable.

So decision made, it was time to wait. Because of the breech presentation there was to be no getting up and walking around, using a birth ball, or any of that good stuff to help labor progress and help me manage pain, because breech presentation comes with a significant increase of cord prolapse. So with the exception of a couple of "jailbreaks" to use the toilet I was in bed the entire time. So we waited..and waited.

My water broke around 8:00 PM, but it was well after midnight before I started having noticeable contractions. Once things got started, I would have a contraction, wake up and holler, then fall back to sleep. According to my husband it was kind of humorous to watch, because I seriously would immediately fall asleep as soon as the contraction was over. I guess that was a good thing, because I was going to need a lot of strength come pushing time.

By early morning, around 6-7 AM I was in serious labor. Now if you will recall I mentioned earlier that our original plan had been to give birth at the Birth and Women's Center. It is a fabulous birth center in a huge old Victorian era home. The rooms are lovely, and look more like what you might find at a bed and breakfast. Things like epidurals are not an option for pain management there. There are many other options like birth stools, birthing balls, and a lovely large jacuzzi tub available for helping manage pain. Sometimes they will use Stadol, but that is pretty much it. So during the majority of my pregnancy I did not even think about medication for pain management. BH and I were all good with it, and comfortable knowing that we had many other options to help me through labor.

Well, I had NONE of those lovely options open to me at my hospital birth given my special circumstance. For me, breathing was not cutting it. Screaming my head off during contractions helped a bit. After a few hours of this every couple of minutes, BH gently asked if perhaps it was time to reconsider the epidural.

When I am REALLY sick, or in SERIOUS pain I become irrational. I am not kidding. I will be in the throes of the flu, sky high temp, barely able to get out of bed and insist that I will go to work. When I broke my hand in a car accident as a teenager, I was adamant that I was fine, people were crazy, even though my hand was swollen and hurt if you breathed on it. Got into an argument with my parents about going to the hospital. All that is to say that in the throes of serious labor, I was not fully rational. I flat out refused to have an epidural, and was completely convinced that it would significantly slow down and with all probability stop my labor all together. After 12 hours already gone there was NO WAY. Let's not even talk about the whole NEEDLE IN MY SPINE thing. Never gonna happen my friend.

I realize now that was irrational and in all likelihood an epidural probably would have been quite helpful. If I could go back, I would totally take that epidural.

Finally at about 9 AM it was time to bring this party to an end. They wheeled me down to an OR room just in case things got hincky and they had to do an emergency C-section we would be ready to roll in seconds. In the last hour or before they took me down to push, (Officially push that is, I am pretty sure the involuntary pushing had been going on for a couple hours already.) The doctor kept asking me if this intern, or this student could come and observe the labor. It is not often that they have a natural breech delivery so I was quite the attraction. I believe my answer every time he asked was, "If it will get this baby out soon I don't give a rat's ass who is in there." Because by this time I was not too proud to beg, barter, or steal to get that baby out.

So we are in the OR and that joint is PACKED. I had a huge cheering section. This was a far cry from our birth plan that we wrote out for the birth center. I believe the people to be present in our original plan were me, BH, and the midwife. I think there had to have been about 15 people in that room. No lie.

So they wheeled me in a parked me. Parked me right in front of a HUGE ASS clock. So I could see just how long it was taking me to get this baby out. I did not find it helpful, but it never occurred to me to have them block it out either. I was busy with other things.

Can I tell you something? Pushing a baby out ass first is HARD. I am sure head first is no picnic either, but I will hold up ass first as being worse. I pushed for two hours, and finally got everything but the head out, after being given a very generous episiotomy that I was happy to have. You think I was willing to bargain before pushing, let me tell you that after two hours of serious pushing I would have done ANYTHING to get that baby out. I believe at the end I was repeating over and over, "I just want her out so I can hold her."

So everything is out but the head. This was good, except the head is the hardest part, and I was exhausted. It was also important for the baby's health for me to finish up delivering as soon as possible.

This is where things got ugly. The head was not delivering fast enough. The doctor finally made the decision to use forceps, and got her out.

She was grey and a just a tiny blur as they handed her off to the pediatrician on duty. She had a heart rate, but was not breathing. The pediatrician could not get her intubated properly. The hospital where we delivered did not have a NICU, so an emergency call was made to the hospital across the street and a neonatologist rushed over and got her intubated, breathing, and stabilized.

Those moments were hands down the worst I have ever experienced. I could hear that things were not going well, and I begged them to tell me what was going on. The only answer they gave, "We are doing everything we can." I am not a religious person, and I am not much of one to pray silently let alone out loud. I begged God out loud in front of a room full of people I did not know to save my baby. I cried, and berated myself out loud for choosing not to have a c-section. I remember thinking very clearly that if my baby died, I would also die right there on that hospital bed. I have never felt such raw fear, and oh my GOD the sense of helplessness. I will never forget those feelings as long as I live.

Once she was stable enough to move, they brought her over to me in her isolette. I was not allowed to hold her, but they did allow me to touch her hand before they transported her across the street to the NICU. They took a couple of pictures of her to give me before they left. Jeff followed her over to the NICU since I obviously could not go. That was hard. I really wanted no one else with me but him, but I could not bear the thought of my baby going over there alone.

My whole family was waiting for me when I came back to the room. I remember little of this, other than crying. Lots and lots of crying. They tried to get me to eat, but food just made me nauseous. They kept trying to get me to rest, but despite my long night and morning I could not sleep.

The doctor released me that evening so that I could go over and see the baby. It was a relief, but also heartbreaking to see her. She was intubated and hooked up to what seemed like a million monitors. Her entire bottom area front to back was so bruised and swollen from the birth it looked like she had been beaten. We were not allowed to hold her, and they didn't really want us to touch her much as she needed to recover from the birth trauma. This about killed me. All I could do was stand there, cry, and look at her. I touched her gently anyway. They did have good news that she was barely using the ventilator and the nurses were confident she would have it removed the next day. There was a big concern regarding brain damage. She was oxygen deprived for nearly 10 minutes post birth, and she was curling her toes which can be a sign of brain damage. We were told that she would have a CAT scan the following day to determine what if any damage was there. They said initially that she would be there a few days. A few days was actually 8 days. 8 LONG days. We weren't even allowed to hold her until the third day. That was so hard. What made it worse, was when I finally got to hold her, I was scared to pick her up because of all the tubes and wires she was hooked up to, but I did. I have no idea how parents who have children in the NICU for months stand it. I had fantasies of taking her and running out the door I was so anxious to be out of there. I cried on the way to the hospital and I cried all the way home every day. I cried at home. I barely ate. It was hands down the hardest week I have yet to live.

The next 8 days were long, we were at the NICU most of every day. Every day the news got better. There were no signs of brain damage. All of her organs seemed to be functioning properly. She was eating well, and gaining weight, the jaundice was subsiding. Finally after 8 long days we got to take our baby home.

Once we got her home, the visitors were constant. Only grandparents and our siblings were allowed to visit her in the NICU. My mother came down with the flu the day after she was born, and was not allowed to see her until she came home. We were happy to have visitors, and thrilled to finally get to show her off. We admitted to each other later that we HATED having other people hold her. After waiting so long to hold her the first time ourselves, and with all the rigid NICU rules about it we just wanted her to ourselves.

She was followed by the NICU for a year, as she was at high risk for developmental delays. I was so on top of infant development it was borderline obsessive. She had no delays at all. She has been a happy, healthy, SUPER smart, and well adjusted kid.

We are so lucky that this story ended so well, and it is something I try never to take for granted.

So there you have it. The story of #1's birth.

It was a doozy.

On Cleaning House

We try to give our house a thorough top to bottom cleaning at least once a month.

On a good month there is spot/maintenance cleaning work done throughout the rest of the month.

On a bad month....

I have never kept track but if I had to guess there are probably more bad cleaning months than there are good ones.

We do pretty well keeping the house straightened up, because clutter stresses me out.

Because of our good straightening up habits, I would guess that the average visitor would say I keep a really clean house.

I however would say the person making such a statement is a big ol' liar liar with flaming pants on fire. Or perhaps I would accuse them of being delusional depending on the day and my maturity level at the time.

I really dislike cleaning house as I would guess most people do.

We have a two story house that is over 100 years old. There is a finished attic, and a shit ton of woodwork. It is beautiful woodwork. Big trim, built in bookcases and china cabinet. Beamed ceiling in the dining room.

So cleaning the house even with two adults, one teenager, and one 10 year old takes us pretty much a full day to complete if we are doing things right.

That is a day I am pretty much guaranteed to be grouchy.

I have some very negative associations with house cleaning.

When I was growing up it was always a HUGE source of contention among family members. My mother was/is very particular about cleaning. She was not always very nice about sharing her opinions on the work we did, and the rest of the family was not always nice back. There was almost always arguments, resistance, and hurt feelings. As a coping mechanism I eventually learned to just power through and get the shit done so I could leave and not have to deal with everyone's dysfunction.

My children as children are wont to do, complain mightily about having to clean. Particularly #2. Man she hates to clean. I would guess that she hates it more than I do. Clean and orderly just are NOT on her priority list.

My husband patient saint that he is, has worked to do things to make cleaning fun and bearable for the children. This involves things like making a game out of it, lots of breaks, etc.

I am in full awe of his ability to do what I just described above. Because I. Can't. Do. That.

In fact it makes me crazy. I know that what he is doing is right. I know that it is better for the kids. No matter how I try, I just can't bring myself to join in on the fun. It makes me sad. However, I have learned that trying to do it their way just makes me want to tear my hair out one strand at a time.

So I deal with my sadness, do my power through, and let him deal with the kids on cleaning tasks.

It ain't one of my prouder mother moments, but it works, and in the end the house is clean, and I haven't yelled or hurt any feelings.

So all in all... win. I guess.

But if I had my druthers....

We would hire cleaning fairies to do the work and go see a movie instead.

I am almost NEVER grumpy at the movies.

Vinyl

Last week we traveled to Ohio to visit BH's grandparents.

Since BH's grandmother has not been well we have been making it a point to go out there at least once if not twice a year for a visit.

Every time we have been there the past few years I have wanted to walk around the downtown area, which appeared to house some interesting stores.

FINALLY this year we took that walk downtown. I was right, there were a lot of great little stores.

One in particular that we visited twice was a good old school record store called Endangered Species.

Music stores are really a thing of the past around here anymore. The best we do is Vintage Stock. But it is huge and corporate and all that crap, and music is only a small part of their offerings.

As soon as I walked in I was greeted with the smell of incense, and loud classic rock music. Yes I believe it was. Vintage posters on the wall and racks of albums.

Ahhhh.....

Back when we lived in Okland, CA we used to frequent a store called Amoeba. It was HUGE, and had everything you could imagine and had the coolest atmosphere ever.

This place was no Amoeba by a long shot, but man did I feel happy in there.

I used to buy vinyl all the time, but eventually gave it up because it was hard to find and not convenient to play.

About a year or so ago, BH and I made the decision to sell our CDs. We had uploaded everything and never used them any longer. It was a bit sad to do.

I love the convenience of digital music, and it really appeals to my preference to hear a mix of all my favorite artists as opposed to listening to one artists entire album all at once.

But while perusing through the record store I was reminded of how much I love cracking open that new album, looking at the cover art, and reading through the liner notes. (Yes I am that geeky.)

I was keeping myself content to look and purchase a couple of Beatles memorabilia items for #1, as her birthday is around the corner.

That was the first time we went in.

The second time, BH who knows me so well, came up and placed an album in my hands and hinted that I should treat myself.

I hemmed and hawed a bit, but soon the siren's call of new vinyl was too loud to ignore.

So I am now the owner of the latest offering by the Decemberists on vinyl.

#2 also requested to buy an album too.

Now both are converts to the joys of vinyl.

Good to know I am raising my kids right!

Random Thoughts

Have I ever shared that BH and I lived in California for two years? Oakland, California to be exact.

We did, so that I could go to graduate school. It was an interesting experience. I got a graduate degree, we did some really cool things, had lots of visitors, and decided that while we enjoyed many things about California, ultimately it was not the place we wanted to raise our family, and so one internship away from finishing my degree, and hugely pregnant with #1 we moved back to Kansas. (Luckily the internship could be done anywhere, and I decided to do one in the state where I planned to work. The baby only delayed my graduation by about 6 months. Not too shabby!)

One thing I did not experience while in California was an earthquake. BH did experience a small one that hit San Francisco as that is where he worked. This was kind of a disappointment to me. After all, I was the one who had worked in schools/daycares there and gone through the earthquake drills! I was prepared!

We have been back in Kansas for 14 years now, and I got to experience my first earthquake this past Saturday, and then another one last night. These quakes a felt were just minor shaking, because apparently the real deal has been going on down in Oklahoma.

Now I just need to experience a hurricane I guess, oh and a tsunami... a typhoon? Have I left out any other natural disasters? I think I can feel I lived a full life without experiencing any of the above mentioned disasters.

I am getting old.

I will be 40 in a few months and my joints are not happy. Arthritis runs rampant among women in my family and it seems to begin around 40 for many of them.

So I have started taking a dietary supplement for joint health. I am exercising regularly again, and am looking in to doing yoga or something similar for flexibility. I would like to look in to weekly massage too, but I fear that might be pushing it. I hope these things help. I am not ready to seek help from the doctor yet. Mainly because I need to drop about 9 more pounds before I go back. I hate to disappoint people, and I have creeped back above the weight recommended by my doctor. Hopefully I will lose the 9 lbs soon. My pants don't fit so great right now and I vow that I will not by bigger clothes. I can't afford to replace a wardrobe again. I am so pissed off to be in this position, but I have to say that wearing uncomfortable pants has been a great motivator.

So I hope all this crap works.

As always I will keep you posted.

Computer Genius

I like to think that I am somewhat computer savvy.

Then I do something like get a new computer, and the Reality Tour Bus comes slamming in to me at full speed.

I FINALLY got my Mac.

It was a bit of a chore as it turns out.

You might recall from my last post that I found a floor model Mac for a bit of a discount.

Alright...full disclosure...I got it at Best Buy. I know there are many out there who pooh-pooh Best Buy, but I have always had good luck there, and the nearest Apple Store is over an hour away. Yes, I realize I could have ordered online, but have I mentioned my issues with patience once I have made a decision about a big purchase? If I haven't or if you missed that part, the story goes like this:

I have no patience once I have made a decision about a big purchase.

So as you can see, ordering and waiting for shipping were out of the question.

So I made the purchase at Best Buy on Saturday evening. They had to give the computer to the Geek Squad so they could get all the floor model demo stuff taken off the computer. No big deal right? It would be ready for me Sunday. I was a bit disappointed, but..I figured getting it Sunday would still allow me time to get things migrated and play around before work Monday.

Sunday comes and I wait and wait for a call. Finally get one about 4:30, only to be told that they had to have someone bring in the disc they needed to get the demo stuff off. The disc would be there the next day, and they would call me when it is ready.

Monday comes. I wait all day for a phone call. Finally it hits 5:00 and I have heard NADA. So I call. I'm told they were still working on it, they would call when it was done. I have a busy evening and no time to go down there in person and "encourage" them.

TUESDAY comes. Wait all day. No call. Go down in person. After waiting several minutes I am told, "They are having trouble getting the demo stuff off the computer, they will call you when they are done." At this point I have decided that I am done. I inform them that I am no longer interested in the floor model, and they can just go get me one that comes in a box that no one has used before and requires no geeks to remove any demo software. I left feeling very grouchy.

So I finally get it home. I know that getting everything moved was going to be a chore. However, I did not expect it to be a chore that has lasted more than a week. I think I am done now. I hope. All the easy ways I researched did not work at all. AT. ALL. Finally BH helped out and got things done in a few minutes that I had been trying to do for DAYS. I am not kidding. D-A-Y-S.

Typically I would have been grumpy about his easy success after all my failure, but I am just so glad to have the shit done!

Because lugging two computers to work got old after the very first time.

So...whew!

Finally Going Mac

I have been coveting some kind of MacBook since my husband brought his home from school about a year ago.

They are so pretty. So light.

I have been pondering, fretting, wishing, and hoping for a way to get one ever since.

This week BH and I came up with a way to justify my finally making the purchase.

#1 has developed an interest in writing, and has been dabbling in writing fan fiction recently. (My reaction to the ever growing influence of my husband and his geekly interests on our children is another post entirely.) She has been doing so on the ipod Touch that has been glued to her since she purchased it for her birthday last year.

BH and I want to encourage her interest in writing and so decided that a way we could do so would be to allow her to have her own computer. That day was approaching quickly anyway as she will be in...hold on a minute...I have to work up to type this.......

highschoolnextyear.

Whew. It has to be said/typed fast or I can't get it out.

Back to my fabulous MacBook justification.

So we came up with the brilliant idea that she could have my computer and I could finally buy that Mac I want so badly.

If you think I didn't jump on that in about 2 seconds, then you don't know me at all.

My grand plans were almost usurped when I discovered that the software I use for my business is not Mac compatable. I found a way around that issue. Won't bore you with the details.

So I made my purchase today! They had an open box model that had been a demo, and they knocked $125 bucks off the price. Looked pretty pristine and it made room to buy Mac friendly Office software! They are clearing all the demo stuff off tonight and I get to pick her up tomorrow!

Yay!

Then I get to start the "fun" process of transferring all my crap over to the new computer.

That could take awhile.

Boo.

Crock Pot Tales of Woe

In the fall and winter we often use the crock pot to cook our evening meals.

I am typically the one who assembles and starts the crock pot in the morning before I leave since BH has to leave for work at the ass crack of dawn.

Every time I make a crock pot meal, I am always afraid I will forget to turn it on, and come home to find a cold crock pot and no dinner when I get home. Because of this fear, I feel as though I have developed sudden onset OCD and find myself checking the damn thing 80 times before I leave the house.

Today was a crock pot meal day. Today was also a day that I did not get up and around in a timely manner and therefore was what you might call "rushed."

Being in a hurry apparently is a good antidote to my "OCD-sudden onset, induced by crock pot cooking" disorder.

I did turn on the crock pot.

I did not however, plug in the crock pot.

So tonight's meal was brought to the House of Babble by Burger King.

On a somewhat related side note, do you spell crock pot as two words or one? As I was looking it up I saw both ways. I decided to go for two words, cause I am wordy like that.

Done

Show(s) are over as of last night.
Test completed over a month ago. (No results yet)
Ridiculously behind on things at work.
Sleepy. Very Very Very Sleepy.

That is me.

What about you?

Does anyone read this thing anymore?

Pending Show and Test = Even fewer blog posts than usual

Y'all!

I am in another show! It has been over a year and half since my dainty lil' feet graced the boards.

I am pretty excited about it. Except for the rehearsing part. I would like rehearsal a lot better if it didn't cut so far into my free time. I do enjoy having some extra time around adults, even if it means taking out my ever rusting social skills. I also am enjoying getting to put on an accent. I do love it when I get to do a character that requires an accent.

I don't have a huge part, but it is the one I wanted and the character is a lot of fun.

Because memorizing lines, blocking, along with all my other regular activities: parenting, being a wife, working wasn't quite enough to fill absolutely every second of my day, I thought I might throw in a test to complete the Infant/Toddler Mental Health endorsement process I have been involved with for the past two years into the mix.

If you remember about two years ago, I bet I posted something about taking my clinical licesnse exam. If I didn't I know for damn sure that I have posted many times about my being prone to anxiety. Well let me tell you if you didn't already know....tests of any kind send my anxiety THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF. Test anxiety might be at the top of my most anxiety provoking events list. Medical issues and having to testify in court rounding out the top three. Really it just depends on which of those three things is most imminent, then that event soars to the number one spot on the countdown.

The night before I took my clinical exam I had an awful dream that I was hanging from the bottom rung of a ladder that was suspended from the ceiling and hanging about 100 feet from the ground. The only good thing about the dream? Patrick Swayze was hanging there with me. He didn't seem to provide much comfort seeing as how I woke up panting, sweating, and with a very strong desire to puke.

Wonder what dream this latest test will provide?

Stay tuned.

I'll try to pick up on the posting.

But both of you know how that usually goes....

Hey! Ya know what's fun?

Storm damage!

It is H-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s!!!!

So this one day back in May. You know that day that the world was supposed to end? I forget the exact date now and I am really far far too lazy to look it up. If you are not lazy like I am or have a better memory for such things feel free to put it to me in a comment.

Anyhoo...End of the World Day. The Babble Children whom I affectionately refer to as #1 and #2 were watching the clock somewhat carefully while we finished dinner and made fun of people who really thought the rapture was upon us. A few minutes after 6:00 PM #2 shouts, "Hooray! We survived! The world didn't end!" The words were barely out of her mouth when....

The tornado sirens went off.

The children in the House of Babble DO NOT take well to storms. Which really sucks for them seeing as how we live in Kansas, and y'know we tend to get some weather 'round these parts.

As usual we headed for the nearest TV to see what was going on. I was not worried as the sirens go off all over the county even if the tornado is in the farthest corner heading away from town.

Welll......turns out we actually had ourselves some funnel clouds in town.

None of them were particularly close to our house, so we were counting ourselves pretty lucky.

Then.....

Hail.

Big. Ass. Motherfucking. Hail.

Most were at least the size of golfballs or eggs. Some were the size of baseballs.

This storm kind of came from nowhere, and we had planned to go do some errands after dinner, so we left my car out of the garage, because dammit it is a lot of work to get out of the car, fold up the side mirrors, open the garage door manually and all that crap. So I don't put the car away until I am sure that I am done for the day. Unless it snows. Then all of the above seems like a lot less work than cleaning snow off the car. BH can't put his car in the garage because there is too much crap on his side. My car gets preference because it is only a year old.

Only a year old.

People I am not ashamed to say that I was fighting back tears as I watched that Big.Ass.Motherfucking.Hail. pound my pretty one year old car.

So eventually the storm ended after what seemed like 100 years. We went out to assess the damage and marvel over the vast size and amount of hail that had fallen. The girls were able to fill a wagon with hailstones and it didn't even look like they had made a dent.

The cars were pummeled. BH's even had a crack in the windshield.

So come Monday the great race to contact the insurance company began. Took me until almost noon to reach them. We didn't get appointments for the adjustors to come out until the middle of June.

Turns out this was one hell of an expensive hail storm.

As a result the Babble Family will soon have:

1 New Roof (previous was only 9 years old)
1 New set of gutters (just had new gutters installed 2 years ago)
1 New Garage Roof
1 Freshly painted garage
Freshly painted house trim

Sadly BH's car was old enough and damaged enough that they totalled his car out. He has decided to keep it as it runs great and he don't care 'bout no stinkin' hail dents.

My car is going to be practically new again once they are done. I am getting a brand new hood. new roof, and a new trunk, to go along with a new paint job.

To keep this from getting any longer, arranging repair estimates and getting things scheduled has been a nightmare and a full time job for BH. The only repair that has been completed to date is replacing the winddhield on BH's car.

Roof repair has to happen first. That should be soon, since they said they were scheduling 4 weeks out and it has been just about that long since they gave that estimate. They also placed a sign in our yard today so that makes us hopeful. None of the rest of the house/garage repair can be done until the roof happens. So nothing has even been scheduled for the house past the roof.

My car won't be repaired until the middle of October.

Yup. October.

Not too happy about that, but nothing to be done I suppose.

In a few moments of desperation I considered trading it in, because it was going to be such a hassle to have it out of commission for so long.

Then I pulled my head out of my ass.

So I guess the moral of the story is don't make fun of the fake Rapture, or God/Mother Nature may get out can of whoop-ass and open it up all over your house and cars.

BH and I are HOTT I tell you. H-O-T-T.

BH's parents left the state with our children yesterday.

Calm down. They had our permission.

BH and I would have gone, but you know we had BIG! SEXY! PLANS!

Like, working.

And thesis writing.

It don't get much sexier than that people.

You want to know what is even hotter?

Tonight after a romantic dinner of frozen pizza and salad from a bag, we went out for fro-yo, then hit the Club.

You know the one. The BIG club.

Sam's Club.

Sam's just wasn't happening enough for us, so we blew that sorry joint and headed to Target.

Then we needed a little down time so we rolled on over to his parent's house, so that I could scoop their cats' litter boxes. Let me tell you.....I am dead sexy when wielding a poop scoop. BH just couldn't keep his hands off me.

After that smokin' little interlude we were off again. To the GROCERY STORE.

I would tell you what happened there but you know what they say...

What happens at the GROCERY STORE stays at the GROCERY STORE.

Etiquette lesson for those who attend concerts.

WARNING: Grumpy content to follow.

Dear People Who Attend Concerts,

I know that you have likely imbibed a fair amount of alcohol, and or other substances prior to the main performer taking the stage. I have no issue with that. Everyone goes to a concert to SEE the performer and have a good time.

Let's talk a bit about that, "seeing the performer thing."

Chances are when you go to a concert, someone is standing behind you. Yes. Really. Even though you can't see them they are there let me assure you.

I am going to let you in on something. They are not amused by your dumb ass attempts at becoming the next Martin Scorcese with your cell phone, or point and shoot camera. Guess what that video you are working so hard to get? Is going to be SHITTY. Poor picture quality AND awful sound. Just be content with the memories in your mind like we did in the old days. If you want to take a few crappy quality pictures...go right ahead. I am compelled to do the same. But after a couple of shots, put away the damn camera and watch the concert you paid good money to see.

All of the above goes triple for people standing behind me. I do not enjoy you getting in my bubble and holding your shitty camera phone over my head to GET THE SHITTY VIDEO YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SEE OR HEAR FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

Now let's talk about dancing. I expect and have been known to engage in dancing at concerts. Perfectly acceptable. However.....

When the show is standing room only and sold out, please keep your dancing down to moves that do not take you out of your little square of space. It's a concert not SYTYCD or a Tae Bo class. Bust those moves at home while listening to your ipod. This goes triple if it is an outdoor concert in the middle of July in Kansas when the heat index reaches a record 118 degrees.

Singing. Listen...I get that you are a big fan, have all the albums on your ipod, and know the lyrics better than the performer. I did not pay $50 or more to hear you sing off key in my ear. I have been to a lot of concerts. Eventually the performer will invite you to sing along. Please keep your singing limited to that time. Save the rest for your shower or the car ride home.

General Admission rules: I got my ass to the venue early, and stood around in the 118 degree heat prior to the opening act hitting the stage so that I could have a good spot as close to the stage as possible. If you come in drunk halfway through the set and try to get in front of me you can bet your intoxicated ass that I am going to protect my territory and I am NOT going to be nice about it. Put down the bottle, bong, or all of the above, get YOUR ass to the show early and get your own damn sweet spot near the stage. I have a big purse, a loud bitchy mouth, and I am not afraid to use both in such a situation.

That is all.

Thank you and let me enjoy the show.

The obligatory catching up post

Last week I made over.

This week I write.

Where to begin?

This summer has been very laid back for the most part at the House of Babble.

BH has been working diligently on completing his masters degree. He has one class down. Only the capstone left to go. It is due July 29. He defends it August 8 and then he is done done done! I am thinking long and hard about throwing a major celebratory bash. I can't decide whether or not to do it now, or wait until graduation. Assuming he plans to participate in the ceremony.

I should probably ask about that.

I did not attend the graduation ceremony when I finished my masters degree. It was held in California, and I was in Kansas. We had a 9 month old baby, I was working part-time, BH had just gone back to school to get his second BA so that he could teach one day. There was no money for a trip to Cali for my ceremony. I was very sad, but we did have a great party at home. My only regret now is totally silly I know. Since I didn't go to the ceremony, I did not order the graduation attire. That means I do not have my masters hood. I still harbour some sadness about that. I have the diploma, which is the most important thing. I had a lot of fantasies about wearing that hood to get me through the long months at the end of my degree. So it hurt a bit not to get it.

Suffice it to say, I will be working hard not to project my sadness over missing my own graduation ceremony on to BH and bully him into attending his own should he decide that he doesn't wish to do so.

I will bully him into a party though.

Mostly because I like parties.

Also, he has worked long and hard and should celebrate his success. Especially since he is graduating with a 4.0.

What else has gone on this summer?

#1 now has a full mouthful of braces. They actually look pretty cute, and give her just a slight lisp.

I should get a picture of her, I have failed to do that as of this post.

#1's parents now have a healthcare flex account that is getting drained at an alarming rate.

Glad to have it.

I have seen 2 of the 3 concerts I wanted to attend this summer so far.

Remember that Ben Folds concert I hoped to talk BH into attending with me?

WELLL...I decided that I really couldn't justify the cost of a third concert this summer so I decided to let it go. THEN! An out of town radio station was holding an online contest to win tickets to several different shows, one being Ben Folds. I entered with my usual low expectations. A few weeks after, I get mail from that radio station. I was a bit perplexed by the envelope as I didn't recall right away that I had entered that contest. I opened the envelope to find two tickets to see Ben Folds! Yayy! I will be attending that show tomorrow!

The Mumford and Sons/Cake show needs a do-over. Guess what guys! I am old! Standing for 4.5 hours in 96 degree heat at an outdoor venue crammed in with 10,000 people does not amuse me. Especially when you are not far from the stage, and can not see a fucking thing because you are short, and people feel the need to shoot shitty video with their cell phone that they are holding over your head. Both bands sounded great. I experienced claustrophobia for the first time ever, and for the first time ever left a show before it ended. So you can clearly see where the do-over comes in.

Elvis Costello. Oh Elvis. He is a fucking fantastic performer. We were again out in the heat in standing room only. It was 101 degrees this time. However this outdoor venue only held 2000 people and did so comfortably. Did I mention that we were in the front row? Front row as in there was no one between us and the stage except for one very friendly security guy? E.C. played for 2 hours and despite the heat and my tired feet, I could have happily listend to him play for two more hours. This goes down as one of the top 5 concerts I have seen. It made up for the crappy experience I had last month.

I have high hopes for Ben Folds tomorrow. It is at the same venue where we saw Elvis Costello. The fact that we are going for free will make it all the better!

The girls have spent the last 5 weeks at theater camp, and have loved it despite the copious bitching we heard at the very beginning of summer. We usually only do one 3 week session of camp per summer. This year we did 2, because BH needed the time to do school work, and the girls believed this to be a grave injustice to them and their summer plans of sitting around the house reading, complaining about only having an hour of screen time every day, and being bored. This week will be their last for camp. Then they are off to Missouri with grandparents for a week. Not sure how I will fill my child free time. Never been at home for such a long time without the children. No big exciting plans for us, since BH will be one week from his capstone project due date, and will have to focus on that. I should probably start planning what I would like to do during my child free evenings at home.

I have enjoyed the slower pace of this summer. I am actually not looking forward to returning to school time schedule. It is always so crazy. I have not missed having a big vacation planned this summer so far. There have been a few twinges here and there, but overall I am OK with it. Travel kind of stresses me out as my two readers well know, so it is nice not to have to deal with it this time.

I have babbled on enough. I think you all get the jist of what I have or haven't been up to so far.

Now I have to start thinking about upcoming posts about my garden, storm damage repair, crazy ass state politics, and my sad sad JBTBH.

Make Over!

I told BH I was working on my blog, and he was all kinds of supportive and enthusiastic.

Then he saw that I was primarily working on the layout and he laughed at me! Apperances are important. It's all the blog has going for it. Poor neglected thing.

Now this blog was long overdue for make over in my opinion. At the very least some new pictures were in order.

So now my blog has a fresh new look.

Here's hoping for some fresh new content.

Duuuude

I gotta do something with this blog.
For realsies.

Thoughts

When I work out of my comfort zone, it makes me very anxious.
When I am very anxious I don't do so well taking care of business.
I have worked out of my comfort zone a fair amount recently.
It made me really anxious.
I did not do well taking care of business.

BUT...
I lived to tell about it.
The world did not fall apart.
I learned a thing or two about stuff and I do and do not want to do.

Now I am nearly done catching up from all the business that did not get taken care of because I was too busy being VERY ANXIOUS.

No vacations for the Babble Family this summer.
I am really quite OK with it.
Maybe I will have a garden instead.
Maybe I will get some long put off projects around the house taken care of.
Maybe I will get some long put off projects at the office taken care of.
Definitely BH will finish his Masters Degree this summer.
Definitely I will be seeing at least TWO fantastic concerts this summer.
Definitely we will swim a lot.

Did I mention that I am going to see at least two concerts this summer. (I am pushing for a third, but it may not happen)
Who will I be seeing?
First Mumford and Sons and Cake. Interesting combo, I am SO! EXCITED!
Next up is Elvis Costello and the Imposters. SO! SO! EXCITED!
Pushing for: Ben Folds. Missed him the last three times he has been around these parts. REALLY! WANT! TO! GO!

I may or may not be dropping hints with this post.

JBTBH-

O.y.

JBTBH-Days 10-16- Don't.Ask.

Oy. Can we talk about something else? My work has been very stressful and consuming since my mini vay-cay last week, and I just have not paid very close attention to eating and exercise. Eating has gotten more attention than exercise, which I have flat out ignored since last Wednesday. My poor neglected Journey. If you were a child I would have multiple CPS reports by now.

JBTBH Days 8&9-Ice cream for dinner! Crazy!

OOOOhhhhKay.

So Day 8.

Pretty good. Only not so good foods were some fries at dinner, and about a half piece of fudge after dinner.

LOTS of exercise though. At home in the morning before we left, and then swimming and walking in a pool for about an hour. (Oh my calves. Owie. Ow.)

Today-

Breakfast-Curse you $11 Breakfast Buffet with your vats of Bacon,Sausage, Biscuits and Gravy, Homefries, and French Toast. (For $11 I damn near sat there til the thing was OVER.)

Lunch-Nice healthy salad

Snacks-It was nice knowing you delicious fudge!

Dinner-I think a blizzard from DQ makes an excellent meal don't you?

There was a lot of sitting today A LOT.

But I had an enjoyable day and it was my vacation day so SUCK it JBTBH.

Tomorrow I will embrace you once again!

JBTBH Day 7-Two in a Row oh-OH!

Aack!

Second successful day.

I am in shock that I made calories today after indulging in a decent sized coke, and two good sized cookies.

So my choices weren't all healthy, but not a calorie busting event.

Exercise-full disclosure I haven't exercised yet, but have plans to once I am done blogging.

Tomorrow, will be a challenge. We are headed to the Great Wolf Lodge with friends for a mini-vacation since it is spring break and all.

That means eating out. I don't do well eating out unless we are going to Chipotle.

I doubt that everyone will want to eat at Chipotle for every meal.

So I guess my strategy is to do my best, but if I blow it....well...it is vacation.

I will just try to keep it under control as best I can.

JBTBH Day 6- Now that's what I'm talkin' bout.

Finally, a day I can call successful!

Eating-Healthy and within calorie range!

I had a veggie burger and didn't throw up!

I exercised even though I was tired and didn't wanna!

And I know this will shock you.... I took my vitamins!

If I knew how to do it I would make it so that horns, confetti, and fireworks went off while you read this post.

So use your imaginations.

Here's hoping that tomorrow is another step forward!

JBTBH Days 4 and 5- For the love of!

OK, this journey is not going well AT ALL.

I can not seem to get on track.

If I get on track then I get W-A-Y the F off track at some point during the day.

This weekend the only follow through was with exercise on one day.

Eating habits have been for shit again.

I can't seem to get myself organized to do this.

Blah!

Maybe it is time to think about some kind of reward system.

When I first lost the weight I just...decided I guess. I was so freaked out by the news from my doctor that I didn't feel I had any choice in the matter. I remember resisting temptation with the thought that I just CAN.NOT. eat those foods. I CAN. NOT. fail to follow my weight loss calorie intake. I CAN. NOT. fail to exercise daily. This is not a choice. That is what my mantra was. It kept me going.

I need to find that drive again. I hate to go the route of the doctor scaring me again, but I have wondered if that it what it will take.

Why can't just doing what is best for my health without being scared into it be enough?

JBTBH Day 3-When will the journey really begin

Holy crap.

I almost titled this one Bad to Worse.

Let's see:

Decent Breakfast
Managed to skip lunch
Ate a bowl of ice cream to tide me over until dinner
Which will be at Sonic
I can assure you I won't be getting a salad
After Sonic is a movie night for BH's students
My resisting candy and popcorn does not look good
No time to exercise tonight

Crap.

At least I took my vitamins!

JBTBH Day 2-Emotional Eating Anyone?

I decided to use initials for the Journey Back to Better Health because it takes too long to write that out every time, and I am at heart a lazy girl.

Today was a long day of very intense work.

Breakfast and lunch went well. Healthy.

Snacks.....not so much. I was tired, cranky, and over this day. BH offered ice cream and I took him up on it.

I also might have finished off those damn donuts too.

Dinner. So-S0.

Exercise did not happen. I didn't even have a chance to exercise until 9:00 tonight, and I just did not have it in me to do it at that point.

I am disappointed in how the day has gone. It was great until dinner time and evening. Then fatigue and crappy mood won out, even though I know exercise and healthy choices will battle that fatigue and crappy mood.

This is where my conflict lies friends.

At least I took my vitamins.

Journey Back to Better Health Day 1- Meh

Today gets a meh.

I went over my calories today to the tune of 250 over.

It is tough in the house for me right now. There is leftover birthday cake, leftover birthday ice cream. As if that weren't enough right there my mom found my favorite doughnuts that I can never find anymore and brought over a bag of them.

Jeez.

Oh yeah, and I had a take out box full of leftover steak, noodles, and fried rice from my birthday Japanese Hibachi dinner last night.

Oy.

To make things even better, we had a huge failed attempt at homemade mac and cheese tonight. It was terrible so I didn't eat much, but I was hungry and that damn bag of donuts was there and so easy.

So not only did I consume too many calories today, I did not really make healthy food choices either.

This has been a problem for me even when I lost weight before. I could keep the calories where they needed to be for weight loss, but it did not always equal healthy eating.

Healthy eating must become part of this process, because I have blood pressure and high cholesterol issues.

I really can't have things like cake, ice cream, and donuts in the house. I have no will power when it comes to those things. None. Zip. Zero. The best remedy is total removal. I cannot however bring myself to throw the stuff away. I thought about declaring a hold on the eating part of this journey for a few days until the stuff is gone, but that doesn't do much for my all or nothing way of responding to diet and exercise.

That is a problem that still needs a solution.

On to the positive.

I exercised! Hooray!

I didn't want to, but I made myself do it anyway, and of course I was glad. I am shooting for 30 minutes a day 5 days a week, and one hour a day 2 days a week. I will be ok if it winds up being 30 minutes 7 days a week.

I took my vitamins!

There you have it. Day 1.

Onward ho!

I turned 39 today. At least I can type it without choking...

This is it.


The final year of my 30's starts today.


Oy.


I can not quite wrap my head around the idea.


40 seems so...adult.


I don't always feel so adult in my mind for some reason. I still have so many things of which I am unsure. I always feel like I should be more certain about things than I am. More confident. More assertive. Like those fabulous and 40 women you see in magazines.


Magazines present false realities. That much I do know.


I just wish I didn't want them to be true sometimes.


So what to do with this final year of my 30's?


I don't have a fucking clue.


Well I have one clue.


I absolutely positively must find again the healthy habits I committed to two years ago after my come to Jesus physical.


Those habits have been on a downward slide for a year now and I have officially smacked the bottom.


It hurts.


Of the 32 pounds I lost, I have gained back 12. I gained back 12 because I have not been careful with my food intake, and I have not been exercising consistently.


My mood and anxiety management are near the toilet. I believe this is large part due to the lack of exercise mentioned above and in some part due to the regression in healthy eating habits.


I am fully aware and have been all along that I was backsliding. For me it becomes a viscious circle. I fail to exercise and eat healthy. I beat myself up about it. Which sours my mood. Which weakens my desire. Lather, rinse, repeat ad nauseum.

I know what I need to do to drop those 12 pounds. I am not sure why it has been so hard to make myself do those things. Other than I just don't wanna. I don't want to admit that I have to do this for the rest of my life.

It just seems so.......long.

So.....daunting.

Then again feeling anxious, grouchy, and disappointed in myself does not feel so great either.

It is daunting to think that I may be shortening my life because I don't wanna.

Just seeing it in writing is sad and pathetic.

So I have to suck it up.

Exercise must happen at least 30 minutes every day.

I must track what I eat, and make healthy choices most days.

I have to let go of my all or nothing way of thinking.

I have to stop beating myself up about failures big, small, or otherwise.

I must be healthier at 40 than I am at 39.

Starting....now.

I have been giving a lot of thought about this blog and what I want to do with it.

So for now it is going to become about my renewed Journey to Better Health.

I may throw some of the usual stuff in from time to time, but for now I need a place to keep myself honest, and really a place to put all this crap and this seems to be the best place right now.

So for the two of you who still read this thing, consider this to be your notice!

Maybe some vitamin D?

Yeah I have been absent once again. Because all my blog ideas involve me griping about something.

I had once again avoided blogging because who wants to read me doing nothing but bitching?

After having mulled this over I decided that perhaps getting the bitching out there out of my head may help it go away.

So here we go.

I have missed 5 days of work this past month due to snow. When all the schools close so do I because if people aren't going to school then they ain't coming to therapy.

This has resulted in me working several long Fridays to make up at least a portion of the missed appointments. I know I know. Poor poor Missy has to work ALL day on a Friday. I realize how this is middle class white girl privilege whining , but dammit I have worked hard for a long time to get my schedule so that I only see a couple of clients on Fridays. I do this so that I have time to get other shit done (y'know like notes and phone calls and the other assorted requests that are made of me by my clients) AND so that on the off chance me or one of the kids gets sick, or some other issue comes up that requires me missing a day of work I can make up some if not all of that time. I don't like having to do this EVERY Friday of the month because Mother Nature decided it would be fun to give us a winter's worth of snowfall in one month's time. It is throwing off my routine and schedule and those who know me well know that makes for some very cranky Missy Babble. Please know that as I am typing this it is snowing AGAIN. Supposedly we are going to only have a couple of inches this time along with some ridICulous cold weather. Hopefully this will only result in a cancelation or two at most.

While we are on the topic of winter weather, my inner cavewoman can not be shut up. She seems to think that I need to eat lots of high calorie food to bulk up for this tundra like winter we have been experiencing. So my efforts for the one bazillionth time to lose this stupid 10 pounds I gained back are not going well. I am cranky because I am hungry for crappy food, so I eat the crappy food I know I shouldn't because I am tired of feeling cranky about it, and then I berate myself because I am not doing what I know I need to do to lose the weight. I don't want to exercise because it is fucking freezing in the damn basement where all the exercise equipment is housed, AND the basement is a mess because we are trying to make it a finished space, and it is going to be a long slow process. My YMCA membership is going unused because the weather has been too crappy to go, people have been sick, and I am stuck working during the time I would usually go. So yeah.. there is that.

We have a new super conservative governor now and a bunch of ultra conservative legislators now running our fine state. I am not by any stretch of the imagination conservative. I am having serious anger responses to the decisions made by this administration. I feel very helpless and not represented in my home state and it is very upsetting. I am fairly sure this is going to be the case for the next 8 years and it makes me sick. Seriously sick, and so very very sad. The decisions being made make no sense to me and the reasoning behind the decisions seems very very flawed to me. I get that we are in a serious budget crisis. I understand that programs have to be cut. What I don't understand is cutting people's wages, and a total refusal to look at raising taxes to help keep necessary services in place. There have been tax proposals that would really not be noticeable to most people in the state, and raise a LOT of revenue. Instead our fine legislators are likely going to cut state employee salaries by 7.5%. I am pretty sure those people will feel that a lot more than paying a few cents extra for a soda, or a pack of cigarettes. Not to mention the fact that a cut like that will have more people requiring money sucking aid like medicaid and welfare. How does that help the budget situation? When money has been tight for me in the past I cut costs AND found an second job to provide extra revenue. I don't understand why our state can't do the same. If everyone else around here whose opinion differs from mine can make similar comparasins for their argument then so can I dammit.

I think those are my main grievances for right now.

In more positive news. I have been keeping my resolution so far, and my nails look fabulous.

Shellacking. But not in a Democratic party way.

Since the new year began I have been trying to be a little less...lazy...shall we say at home and work.

Obviously since it is January 17, and this is the first time I have logged in to this blog, my efforts have not extended that far.

I didn't really come up with any other specific resolutions.

Except that I am going to get my nails done by a professional every two weeks.

I just had my nails shellacked.

Shellacked in a good way, not a democratic party shellacking, which I won't talk about because it makes me want to stare with my yellow eyes and gnash my terrible teeth. Especially as our new dictator, oops I mean governor makes his tear on our poor state.

But I digress!

Back to my shellacked nails! It is a super strong polish process that is supposed to last two weeks and stay super shiny the whole time! They also improve the strength of my nails.

So I am on manicure two of the year, and I must say this is the best New Year's resolution EVER.

I think this one may last past February.

I will try and see if I can get a picture that does my shiny nails justice.

Sometime this year anyway.

I think you all know about me and promises for this blog.